E174: BOOK REPORT: The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin
E174: BOOK REPORT: The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin
NEW! Book Reports: I'm getting back into the habit of reading again and I LOVE sharing some of the great takeaways and learnings with you.
This is a new segment for the show, so I would really appreciate your feedback or book suggestions!
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[01:27] The Four Tendencies
The indispensable personality profiles that reveal how to make your life better (and other people’s lives better, too)
Benefits of knowing your tendency:
Use time more productively
Make better decisions
Suffer less stress
Get healthier
Engage more effectively with other people
Benefits of knowing other ppls tendencies:
More tolerant
Makes it easier to persuade + encourage them + avoid conflict
Communication: It’s like speaking their language
Intro of the four tendencies
[04:20] Upholder
Meets outer expectations
Meets inner expectations
Strengths:
Self starter
Self motivated
Conscientious
Reliable
Thorough
Stocked to a schedule
Want to understand and meet expectations
Possible weaknesses:
Defensive
Rigid
Often struggle when plans or schedule changes
Can seem humourless and uptight
Uneasy when rules are ambiguous or undefined
Impatient when others need reminders, deadlines, supervision, or discussion
Demanding
May become anxious about obeying rules that don’t even exist
[07:45] Questioner
Resists outer expectations
Meets inner expectations
Strengths:
Data-driven
Fair-minded (according to their own judgement)
Interested in creating systems that are efficient and effective
Willing to play devil's advocate
Comfortable bucking the system if it’s warranted
Inner-directed
Unwilling to accept authority without justification
Possible weaknesses:
Can suffer analysis paralysis
Impatient with what he or she sees as others complacency
Crackpot potential
Unable to accept closure on matters that others consider settled if questions remain unanswered
May refuse to observe expectations that others find fair (eg traffic regulations)
May resist answering others questions
[09:36] Obliger
Meets outer expectations
Resists inner expectations
Strengths:
Good boss, responsive leader, team player
Feels great obligation to meet others’ expectations
Responsible
Willing to go the extra mile
Responds to outer accountability
Possible weaknesses:
Susceptible to overwork and burnout
May show the destructive pattern of obliger-rebellion
Exploitable
May become resentful
Has trouble saying no or imposing limits
[11:06] Rebel
Resists outer expectations
Resists inner expectations
Strengths:
Independent-minded
Able to think outside the box
Unswayed by conventional wisdom
Willing to go his or her own way, to buck social conventions
In touch with his or her authentic desires
Spontaneous
Possible weaknesses:
Likely to resist when asked or told to do something
Uncooperative
Inconsiderate
Has trouble accomplishing tasks that need to be done consistently, the same way, every time
Acts as though ordinary rules don’t apply
Restless; may find it difficult to settle down in a job, relationship, city
Struggles with routines and planning
May be indifferent to reputation
Applying the Tendencies to My Coaching Business
[14:40] When clients are struggling sticking to their healthy habits, I ask them to take the free quiz and let me know what the results are. The answer is almost always that they are a rebel. JUST KNOWING this about themselves usually takes the pressure off because it’s their natural tendency. I noticed this a lot in our 21 Day Healthy Habit Challenge because some people had trouble being consistent where a lot of other people in the group were sticking to their habits.
As a questioner, I feel good about working with rebels, where some coaches may feel frustrated. I will usually pose my suggestions as questions so that the response or the idea or the DECISION is theirs. So I might say:
“Have you considered trying X?”
“ What would you think about Y?”
“Some people have found Z works for them.”
“Some ideas for you to consider are X, Y, Z”
And I usually finish with “if you want.”
My goal is always to provide them with the information, consequences, and then the choice. It will always be their choice, and truth be told I gave up trying to change people a long time ago. I always feel this way, but I notice it more when I’m working with rebels, here’s what I’ve learned from being an investigator and a questioner. I’ve done the research and this is the data take it or leave it. But not everyone I work with is a Rebel. Wouldn’t that be entertaining.
The opposite of the Rebel is the Upholder. And I’ll be honest, Upholders are super easy to work with because they readily meet outer expectations. One of the things I notice most is that they have trouble shifting or changing big routines or very set routines quickly. So oftentimes we build out new habits, and swap bad habits with new habits slowly, one by one. It’s also important that they receive accolades of how great of a job they’re doing so this is something that I make an effort to highlight more.
The biggest struggles with Upholders may surprise you. It might be challenging for them to be “dealing with” the people around them not getting on board with their new changes, so this is where when we’re in a coaching session we come back to what’s important, and how we can find patience with others and communicate WHY this is important to them. Because not all Upholders live together ahahaha so I help them with these different dynamics.
Obviously I’m biassed to Questioners because I myself am a Questioner. Now in the book, Rubin says that Questioners don’t like to be questioned, which is sometimes true… I also appreciate the inquisition because to me that means the Questioner is curious and does want to go deeper. When a Questioner isn’t asking questions it usually means they’ve already made the decision.
With Questioners we put high value on research and intentions and information. Throwing out any rules around timing and focusing on what matters most to them. Knowing that Questioners don’t like to be questioned I stick to only a few key questions in a session, and usually do a lot of mirroring back to them and reminding them of what they’ve already decided or deemed important. Sometimes the Questioner needs confirmation or extra data to support their ideas and that helps them get into action. Especially since Questioners can experience “analysis paralysis.” Which means decision making usually takes place in the coaching sessions and I always give my clients a next step or action plan before getting off a call.
Lastly, the Obliger client. Obligers are actually the most common of all the tendencies. Since they readily meet outer expectations, in general they will take my advice and put a high value on meeting the commitments I’ve suggested in our coaching and working together. Knowing this about my client, I will highlight deadlines to help them keep them accountable. With the accountability, my 1:1 clients and I meet weekly, and the membership clients meet every other week as a group.
With the membership group, each month we assign accountability partners. This gives them community and accountability with a new person every month. What’s really important for me to understand as a coach, when it comes to Obligers is that they may be putting someone else’s expectations before our coaching or there may be someone who could be exploiting them and this will cause frustration, burnout, and feelings of resent, which can also lead to Obligers becoming more rebellion. So not only will the check-in points/calls be for following up on tasks and how the habit building is going, but it will also be for checking in to see how they’re feeling and balancing any pressures that feel too big or overwhelming.
Although I did have my suspicions about how relevant this book would be – which Rubin calls us Questioners out for this – I do find the book to be very helpful in understanding myself, my clients, and also others around me in my business who haven’t hired me for health coaching.
I recommend reading this book for anyone who loves any type of personality quiz or test, or personal development. It’s always interesting to learn more about yourself and even if you don’t use this in your business, you will learn something new about you or the people around you.
In business this is also extremely helpful if you are part of a team or work with other humans. I feel so much more patient with my team members and clients knowing these tendencies.
I am dying to know what your tendency is! Take a screenshot of this episode and share your tendency with me on instagram @vallavignelife – or let me know if you’ve read this book already, and how you’re applying or using it in your life!
21 Day Challenge LINK HERE
Podcast Host
Valerie LaVigne
Valerie is the creator and founder of Valerie LaVigne Life and the Women's Empowerment Show. She helps busy and empowered women create healthy habits so that they can become the best version of themselves and transform their lives. Learn more about Valerie here!
