BONUS: Levelling Up Our Leadership Skills

BONUS: Levelling Up Our Leadership Skills with Sonia Grossi

Sonia is a life and leadership coach who helps ambitious women who are feeling unsure and frustrated figure out who they are and what they want.

Sonia also works with organizations to grow and develop leaders and teams to reach higher levels of impact through engagement...

[00:59] Welcome to the Women’s Empowerment Podcast Sonia, I am so thrilled to have you on the show! Thank you for being here. Can you share with us, in your own words, who you are and what you do?

This first thing that comes to mind, is that I am somebody who my entire life has known what I wanted. It's very easy for me to know, so I'm very ambitious but I am also very clear. I am 32, I am single and ready to mingle – depending on who it is. What I do is I'm a Leadership and Life Coach, that's one part of the work that I do, and the other part is Corporate Facilitator/Trainer so I do a lot of work in the GTA/Toronto, Ontario area.

Basically I'm all about transformation. So what that means is I give people an experience where they can come together, feel connected, learn form each other, be vulnerable with each other. I create these spaces so that people can feel comfortable enough to go there, and that's what leads to the transformation they're seeking. In a nutshell that's what I do and how I do it.

[2:45] What I love about your story, and your journey is that it’s powerful and relatable. Walk us through your business journey: beginning, middle, and where you are today.

Before I started my business officially, I was working in corporate in different companies in Ontario, Canada. Kind of as a HR person and Training and Development Specialist – that's what I went to University for. And I started to notice, in any company that I was in, I felt – and when I say this it's both me and the organization, I'm not blaming one person or the other – but I always felt a lack of respect, I felt not being seen all the time, I felt disconnected to people, it was very competitive. You would ask for things like “can I take this course for $200, I've been here for three years?” and the answer would be “No, we don't have money in the budget for you.” So inequality, because you'd see people in other roles getting what they want; at least that's how it seemed.

I didn't want to feel the lack of respect and the lack of value any longer and the lack of integrity. This went on for a while. By the time I turned 25 years old, and I'm 32 now, I kind of had my “spiritual awakening” so to speak, where I was becoming more conscious with what was going on with me and outside of me. I didn't know who to seek to for support, I didn't have a coach, I couldn't really reach out to my family because they're very conservative Italian first generation type of thing. So I ended up working with a councillor. I remember going in and saying, “I have reached my quarter life crisis and I don't know what to do!” It was all of this stuff with the guys I was dating, my friends were being dramatic, and [the councillor] was like, “Whoa!”

It started with my lack of boundaries, it started with, this is how I'm feeling about this, this is how it's impacting me, this is what I need. I was very passive aggressive, I didn't know how to manage my emotions. It was like going to basecamp at 25 of things that I just didn't learn as a kid/child/adolecent. So that's when I started to really uncover and really be aware of what was going on with me as a person, and also how the outside world, beyond me, was then reflecting what was going on inside of me. And that's a really tough pill to swallow. Because as much as I wanted to blame other people, you kind of have to look within the self and what's going on.

Twenty-five was my rude awakening, and also becoming more conscious at the same time. Also putting some pieces back together from my own journey. I remember what sparked the business idea for me. I had hired someone for the company to deliver a training workshop for us. She came in, we interviewed her, she was charging a lot of money, I watched one of her workshops, and I was like, “WOW! This seems really easy for her and she's very talented about this facilitation skill.” And me and her had a really good working relationship, she ended up being my mentor, I now currently work for her, we met in 2012.

She really encouraged and inspired me to be A) Happy in my work, because I was not. I remember her saying to me one day, “It doesn't have to be so stressful, and it's okay to find work that you actually love doing.” And I was just like “Whoa. Why is nobody telling me this?” Because everyone [else around me] was like, “No just stick with it! You have a stable job, you're making good money! It's so hard to find a job in this market!” All the negative stuff people project on you. But something inside of me was saying, ‘There's got to be a way to do this, why is this so hard?”

Fast forward… I did a few contract jobs in between, but I also started to create my own content and leveraged my own network and reached out to people telling them about what I wanted to do, and asked if there was any space in their organization for something like this? Along the way a few people helped me out. They helped me build my portfolio and build my brand, and I got payed for it, so that was pretty cool too!

Here we are today, I am a certified coach, I work with a number of organizations. I get to work 1:1 with clients and really coach them, and really show people my message: you don't need to settle for mediocrity. You don't need to settle. I always thought I had to settle because a lot of people in my life were telling me, “This is how you should do life; this is what's expected of you; who are you to want more?” But when you go and move towards [what you really want], you realize slowly but surely, it really is possible. So that's what I teach others now.

[10:54] Knowing what you do now, what would your best advice be to your younger self, when you were just starting out?

I would say, *laughs* I think there's a lot I would say, but what comes to mind is, “Have a conversation with yourself Sonia. Hear what your younger version of yourself (pick an age) and tell her, it's going to be okay. You know what you want, and other people's opinions are based on what they already know, and they also – most often times – don't have the full awareness to be able to give you the advice or opinions that you want to hear. Nothing really good begins, unless you take charge and step out of your comfort zone and take risks.”

At that time, there was a lot of risk-averse people giving me their opinions in my life. It's just looking at being risky and going after what your real heart wants. It's okay, and it will happen with time, consistency, and commitment, and it's not going to be as hard as you think it is.

[13:45] Tell us about some of the biggest mindset challenges you’ve faced through this time. How did you overcome them?

My kryptonite mindset was money. Money was my HUGEST obstacle to all of this. I did not want to give up the stable pay cheque. I did not want to give up the perks and benefits. I was saving for a home at that point, and in terms of how I grew up that's “what you do” and what “you should do.” Me investing in things like a coach or education was really hard for me to do, because it felt like I had waited so long up until that point to find a full time job, get paid really well and start saving. I hadn't done that until I was 24/25. I would say was the biggest challenge I had.

However, it got to a breaking point where I had one of two choices: you can hold on to this thing and find another job, but I also knew internally that even though I had the stability and it made me feel comfortable and safe, I also knew that even though I was saving money, I didn't actually want to buy a house anyways. So what do I actually do with that money? I had some chunk of change behind my belt now, and I actually ended up quitting my job without a job – which is something I was not trained or taught to do – and I started investing in a coach and going back to school, and continued to do that.

I think the way I overcame it was, I had to ask my question: “If I don't want this thing (the house), what could I do with this money instead?” So I had to look at then, what is MY vision? What are MY goals? What intrinsically do I value? And education was the thing. And it started to pay off! I actually started seeing results! It's a little bit of surrender, it's a little bit of letting go of the fear around money, and that “I won't make it back,” or “I won't make enough” and letting go of that story. And even though you may think you have stability, it's never actually certain. Nothing in our life is actually certain.

[17:05] How has letting go of judgement allowed you to make more money in your business?

Two things: Letting go of judgement with YOURSELF and the judgements of OTHERS. I would say, I had a big fear of rejection, that was probably one of my big ones. I didn't want to do a training and then people have bad reviews about it. I didn't want to coach anyone because I didn't want to know if nothing was happening. There were all these tapes in my head about being rejected in some way. But when I worked with my first coach in 2016, she actually supported me in sharing her story about [rejection]. She had a client hang up on her when she first started coaching because he wanted nothing to do with her. So it was listening to other peoples “failures” and they didn't perceive it as a failure because they said, “this is what happened, and this is what I learned.”

It was changing my mindset around: I can still fail, I can learn something from it, and I can be better! Which made me more risky I would say, and yeah, I failed A LOT when I first started. I did have the bad reviews, but it taught me SO MUCH about myself, about my impact, about how to improve. [Eventually] you get to a point where you have to let go to the voice that tells you not to do x, y, z, because that voice doesn't serve my Higher Self.

The biggest thing for that is aligning yourself with people who are willing to share their successes and failures, that is a beautiful gift and experience.

[20:15] For the listeners who are facing struggles with creating and maintaining boundaries, what are your best tips for overcoming this challenge?

It depends where each person is at this this. So if I look at a point in my life and in my journey where I had zero to none when it came to boundaries. I kind of had to do an inventory of what were something or who were some of the people that were taking up my time, and what was draining my energy? What activities or people in my day was draining my energy or taking up too much time? Who was expecting me to do things that I didn't really want to do, and felt obligated to do. So it was doing an inventory first. What's really going on outside of you, and how you're really feeling about it. That's number one. And you'll be surprised of how much stuff you're doing that you don't want to do, and write that out form 1 to whatever.

For example: I used to be the person who would drive my friends because they didn't have a car. I would be the designated driver, I'd have to pay for parking, and I hated it. It was not an enjoyable experience.

Taking inventory of all of that stuff, personal and work related. The second phase is start saying “no.” Don't even explain yourself. Don't apologize, don't explain, don't over extend. “I don't want to do this, thank you so much for thinking of me.” Those would be my first two tips. Inventory and start saying no to things you don't want to do.

You'll probably experience people, not liking your “no's” because you probably haven't been saying no to them for a very long time. So it's a new experience for them. So just know depending on how people react to your new found “no's” that it's a new experience for them, and also know that the people that are meant to be in your life, professionally and personally, they will learn to respect what it is you need and then honour you as a person.

[22:24] You coach leaders to engage leaders. What are some key characteristics of a great leader?

I would say INTEGRITY is probably one. Integrity to me is “this is what I say, this is what I believe, this is how I feel, and I'm going to be transparent about it.” And I actually walk the talk. It comes out through my behaviour as well. I don't just have ‘lip service' I actually live that way as well.

The other thing I think a great leader really has is OPEN COMMUNICATION. Always wanting to talk about what is going on with the people they lead or with their friends, whoever. They're always open to having a conversation about what's going on.

VULNERABILITY would be another one. When I go into a corporate room and do a training, the amount of barriers and people with their guards up – rightfully so – this is not a judgment on them at all. I'm usually a new external outside person and people are [wondering who I am], the walls and the guards are up. Sometimes the only way I can break that is if I show up vulnerably. So vulnerably gives other people permission to be themselves and to feel like they belong. Sometimes in leadership I see that's a missed mark for a lot of people because they feel like they can't be vulnerable. They don't want to share too many things, they don't want to talk about their feelings, and so there's a lot of stuff going on in that. But when we learn to be comfortable with you we are – flaws and all – and we can come from that place with other people, it releases tension with our relationships and people are [relieved to be with] a really person, “it's like a gift!”

Then there's the corporate-y stuff, like making good decisions and delegating, but I truly believe it comes to who you're being as a human and what your impact is on other people. Start to learn about what you impact is with other people. How are they responding to you? What does their body language say when you walk into a room? You've got to pay attention to these things because it will show you who you're being, just as a person in a room. So really looking at what your impact is and maybe unintended impact. Sometimes we do things that we aren't aware of and we don't intentionally mean to do it but it comes perceived a certain way from others, so look at that stuff as well. I guess that solution to that would be, ask for feedback. Constantly ask the people for feedback with how you show up. And it will really help.

[28:29] How can we Up-Level our leadership skills?

The first thing is start asking the people in your life for feedback. Get comfortable with feedback, get comfortable with “constructive criticism.” You want to design how you receive feedback. You actually have permission to design with anyone.

Ex. “I would like some feedback of how I'm showing up, or how I did on this presentation?” Or whatever the scenario is. “And here's how I would like the feedback: I would like to know what I did really well, what you noticed about what I did really well, and I would also like to know, what could I improve?” and you're allowed to ask for both, because both will give you some really good information on what you need to improve and what you're really good at. That would be number one: ask for feedback.

The second thing is start looking at the professional, and even personal, relationships you have, and take a look at how you want to deepen those relationships. Look at the inventory of where that relationship is at, and ask how you can you deepen those relationships? Because what happens when we build really trusted, aligned, intuitive, feel good relationships – professionally and personally – that support network that you grow and develop and nurture, it helps you out so wonderfully! It will bring you access to opportunities that you didn't even know were possible. Leading you to have more impact in the world.

Invest in yourself. Whether it's investing in your self care, investing in a course, investing in a coach, whether it's investing in a trip that you've always wanted to do. Invest in yourself. I've never really be disappoint in anything I've invested in professionally or personally.

[31:08] What are core values and why are they so important?

Core Values are basically like qualities that each person really, really respects and admires in a sense. Every person on the planet has a different set of core values, and even though maybe my top 5 are the same as someone else's, I may actually value them differently than that person and it also might have a different meaning to me than that person. For example, one of my top two values are connection and community. So when I am in spaces where I feel like I am part of a community. I know I am most alive and I thrive in those two environments. When I am not honouring those values, for example, and I am choosing different things outside of community and connection, whatever that might be, I don't actually feel as good as a human.

What I always encourage people to do is find out, “what is most important to you, really?” Is it: balance, alignment, respect, honesty, transparency, integrity? What are those things that are really import to you? How you can usually identify that, is what in your life is making you frustrated? And what in your life is creating a lot of joy? So usually when there are experiences in your life where you are feeling a lot of joy, or you're feeling happy and fulfilled, you're most likely honouring a ton of values. And on the flip side, when things are making you angry, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, there's usually things going on that you're not honouring in terms of your values.

So it's like you're actually making other choices. So basically, in a nutshell: values lead us to live a fulfilled and happy life, it does not mean that life is going to be easy because we are honouring our values, it just means that we will be more fulfilled. And it's like a guiding post to what choices we can be making for ourselves to feel good each and every day.

With anyone who is new to values work, it's going to be a lot of exploration in the beginning for sure.

[36:21] Can you teach us how to discover what our core values are? How can we start this process in the next 24 hours?

There's one of two ways, I'll give the short versions of each way.

The first one is “Peak Experience.” Basically, what you want to do is think about a time in your life, could be from a memory when you were five, or it could be as recent as today, for example. But a time in your life when you felt the most alive, the most joy, the most happy, and it's an experience, a moment in your life when you felt all these things. And create that picture of what was going on, who was around you, what did it feel like? What were you doing? So for me when I did that exercise it was my 19th birthday and I realized things like: celebration, there were 18 people there and it was a large group of friends, I remember it feeling really easy. I didn't have to pull teeth or beg or ask people to pitch in, it was just very easy and flowing experience. So some of the values that showed up were kind of the things that I just said: “flow, celebration, leadership, easy.” You'll want to start picking up some values that were present in that experience in my life. Pick out some of these words that you see in that moment, or that experience, and look at “how do I make choices moving forward to honour more of those values in my life?” And get creative and explore.

The second thing I would say, is the inventory piece. Take a look at, in the last few months, what were some things that I felt really good about? And what were some things that didn't feel so good? So you said that when quarantine happened you couldn't travel anymore, so your value of travel wasn't being honoured anymore. But then you found creative ways to honour it in a new, different way like adventure, and new uncharted territory like in your own backyard kind of thing. So you want to look at both ends of the spectrum, what has felt really good and what has not felt really good? And pick out things within both of those things are either being honoured or not honoured and make that list. And then again, you want to start making choices that then honour those things that you really like.

[39:30] Typically with our top core values, we try to bring them into the top five. Can those five values change over time?

Yes, the most certainly can. So basically based on where you're at in your life, what's going on, what stage you're at, who you're surrounding yourself with, they will definitely change over time. I feel like there isn't one person's who's values won't change over time. So you have to pay attention. It's like right now I'm going through the phase of transition. There is stuff going on internally with me, and it's like “wow, things that I used to care about, I actually don't care about as much any more, I care about different things.” And that's a really cool realization to kind of have and experience, and we get so tied and attached to who we use to be. We don't want to give it up but we're changing, we're evolving, we're learning, we're unlearning.

[41:04] What are the best ways we can honour our core values?

#1: Definitely knowing what they are.

#2: Noticing where they're showing up and where they're not showing up. As an example: there have been some recent acquaintances in my life that I've aligned myself in the last few years and I'm noticing, because I have a high value for things like integrity and transparency. So when I'm with someone I know who isn't being transparent or who is out of integrity with me, it really bothers me. So I have a few choices: I can say something to the person, “Hey, I'm kind of sensing you're not really being honest with me right now, what would you say about that?” I could call it out. OR I could make another choice. I could choose to not worry or care so much as I was before, I can limit my time with that person. I could limit my time with the people who don't have that stronger value within them.

So you want to start noticing where these values are showing up and where they're not. Each and every day is not going to be 100% honouring all your values, I think that's humanly impossible, but you do want to make choices as much as you can to have more consistency of honouring your values each and every day. So it's like, “Sure I could spend 40% of my time worrying about the friend that';s not as transparent as me, OR I could take back some of that time and use it and spend it with people who do have the same values as me and I'll feel a lot better to be honest.

[44:44] Sonia, thank you so much for being a part of the Women’s Empowerment Podcast. Before we wrap up with the final segment, let us know where we can find you, follow you, and how can we support your business?

INSTAGRAM | @inspiredbysonia

FACEBOOK | Sonia Grossi

LINKEDIN | Sonia Grossi (wearing a red, professional shirt)

WEBSITE | www.SoniaGrossi.com

To support me in my business, I'm usually doing webinars or trainings where I'm talking about a specific topic like values for example, or boundaries, or different leadership topics. So you can join me on any one of those!

RAPID FIRE ROUND:

[46:24] What are you currently reading, or what’s your favourite book?

Currently Reading: Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad

[47:05] What are you currently working toward?

I am working towards not working so much, and being more of a human rather than being a human that always has to do things.

[47:31] What do you love most about being a woman?

I love being sexy. Like honestly I think women have this power that either realized or not, we have so much power as a woman out there in the world. For me it's this sexy feminine, knows what she wants go getter clarity, it's almost like, there's so much power beyond me physically that I can harness at my disposal. So it's kind of like an energetic thing. And it's almost really easy like a magnet. Like I can magnetize certain people or opportunities to me, using my femininely and woman-ness and it's really really cool.

[48:47] What does empowerment mean to you?

Yes. Empower I feel is like, feeling really really good about doing something. It's not from a place of “I should do this/I need to do this/ugghh” it's not that feeling. It's like “wow I feel so supported! I feel so good! I feel so inspired! I actually feel motivated to move forward.” Right. It's almost like having your cup filled up completely, and taking action from that place.

Val Lavigne Life Women's Empowerment Podcast

Podcast Host

Valerie LaVigne

Valerie is the creator and founder of Valerie LaVigne Life and the Women's Empowerment Show. She helps busy and empowered women create healthy habits so that they can become the best version of themselves and transform their lives. Learn more about Valerie here!