E166: A Gentle Approach to a Kick-Ass Routine

One of my favourite relatable conversations with client and friend Candice. Learn how personal development, positive self-talk, and taking things one step at a time can be transformational in habit formation…

[00:25] Valerie: thank you for joining us for another client experience episode of the Women's Empowerment Podcast. Today we're hearing from a friend and client Candice while working together with Candice and I also learned that she is a rebel, which is one of Gretchen Ruben’s four tendencies.

The Four Tendencies QUIZ

The Four Tendencies BOOK

These tendencies are personality profiles that reveal how to make your life better based on how you respond to outer and inner expectations. This is particularly important with creating habits, rules, routines, etc. As a rebel Candice resists both outer and inner expectations which you might think doesn't make for a very good habit client. Actually. it can can anyone even if you're a rebel, you can still create habits and routines. so we don't actually get to talking about this in our conversation for the podcast. but as I was in editing, I thought oh, but this is such a great point to make, with Candice and she was actually part of the 21 challenge that is wrapping up.

And this topic came up again and the whole point of her being a rebel came up again. So the reason why I wanted to share this here is because like I said, Candace and I've talked about this before and other conversations, and I thought it was really really important for listeners to hear as part of an addition to the gentle approach that Candice and I got into in today's conversation. So knowing your tendency especially if you're a rebel, it really offers a sense of relief to those of us who are like Candice who want to create routines but struggle to stay consistent. And if it's part of your personality and your nature, it's easier to give yourself the grace, the compassion and the patience you need to ease into a new habit. So let's listen to how Candace learned to approach her new routines in her experience.

Okay, yeah, let's start with where you were, or what were you feeling before working with me on your healthy habits.

[3:01] Candice: Before working with you, I felt pretty rigid and structured in my habits and was kind of an all or nothing.

After working with you, of course, that that's changed a lot and I've become more intuitive about when I need something and when I need to bring in habits when I need to release habits, and it's a little bit more soul centered on what I truly need, rather than what I think I need or what I think it should be. you know, the enemy we're in should.

[3:39] Valerie: Yeah, it's so easy to get caught up in that and like, we have to do all the things and it has to be perfect. And yeah, I definitely know you mean like the all or nothing. You're either in or you're out you're out. But I think that what people really forget especially when starting a new habit is that you don't actually have to do all of the things at once. So tell us what habit we create together?

[4:04] Candice: We started to - oh shoot we've worked on so many habits.

The first one I think we worked on was morning routines, which then of course led into evening routines as well and which was perfect because it When we got into the root of it.

The evening routines were the thing that was struggling the most and was really like the true thing that needed to be addressed. It wasn't actually like the mornings like my mornings are actually crazy.

Yeah, that was the first thing that we kind of tackled together.

[4:40] Valerie: It’s funny because you're not the first person who has come to me and said Val, I want to work on this specific habit. Let's call it a habit and after listening to them and having the conversation and understanding okay, this is where our starting point is. Actually habit A is totally fine. It's habit b. That's not okay. Or, you know, habit zero or habit however you want to name it. And I think that's what's so cool about being able to talk about something that people think, Oh, it's just habits. It's just so basic and so easy to do. Actually, there's so much more to it and being able to work together and workshops or work together one on one you can really start to see what the focus is and yeah, I love how you were like yeah, morning routines and we're like Wait a second… The evening routines are aware of that. So take us a little bit more into how you made the habit work for you. Because evening routines are pretty vague, maybe describe it a little bit more in some of the things that you started implementing?

[5:59] Candice: Because evening routines are pretty vague, maybe describe it a little bit more in some of the things that you started implementing some of the things that I started implementing, so we already kind of talked about it had kind of an all or none person. We had to really rein that in whenever I did, when we started to switch up the evening routines. And so I feel like in my gut and when I wanted to do it initially when I was all ready to go, I was just like, Okay, I'm going to start my evening routine today and it's going to be great. I'm going to go to bed way earlier. I'm going to have some journaling time. I'm going to do all of these things starting today and you were like, Let's rather than and that was actually really perfect because then we started out slowly with theory to set an alarm on your phone to like start winding down and then slowly integrate like journaling and integrating a meditation or putting essential oils on the floor and that that really helped ease into it a lot more starting with the phone alarm was key because then I like was able to wrap my head around it that okay, this is the time to settle down. Oh, now it's time for journaling. So it acted as a trigger to get me rolling in the bedtime direction. That was kind of the first bit.

[7:01] Valerie: I love that. I love that we started with just the prompt of saying okay are the triggers. This is what's happening. This is where our starting point is. And then you didn't forget about the whole evening routine that you wanted to create. We just slowly started adding to it and making it more digestible. Are those bite sized habits to make up one full routine? And I think this is one of the things that people struggle with as they see someone with this incredible evening routine or our morning routine. And they're like I need that I needed to our bath journal, Oracle Card essential oil meditation and then I'm going to sleep like a baby but you're like, oh wait, I only have 35 minutes or I only have two minutes before I actually have to get to bed like there's just no way or I'm so exhausted and all these things come up and building that and what I like to call it or refer to it as habit stacking can be really successful in creating and implementing a bigger routine or bigger kind of ritual and with multiple habits and so we broke it down. That's how we made it work for you. And then when it comes to the results, What results did you gain from staying consistent with this habit?

[8:20] Candice: Initially, once we started to implement everything, one of the big big big hurdles that we kind of came to was if something were to come up and the nighttime ritual didn't go smoothly, or for some reason something came up and I only had 15 minutes when I normally you know have 45 or whatever it was was being okay with the ritual or the routine not going quite right. that habit was offered at night and that's it wasn't it wasn't ruined, you know, like you, you initially might have that feeling of just enjoying it.

So reworking my brain around Well, I still did something tonight I still gotten bed at the right time or I still made time to journal.

A couple this happens, life happens and being okay with that was a big hurdle that we had to overcome, I think was the biggest and most transformative issue that we really overcame, because it's kind of leaked into other aspects of life. I think that's the biggest like, like the outcome that I'm most excited about the most. Yeah, that was like the best part that came out of the routine.

[9:48] Valerie: Oh, that's so great. I don't think that you've ever shared that with me. I love it. Yeah. And it leads me to another question, which is for people who are listening and who are struggling with that consistency and kind of, you know, kicking ourselves because we didn't do the whole routine or the whole day ritual. What would you say is like a key, either phrase or sentence or just like the thing that you had to remind yourself that someone else could also use in their journey.

[10:25] Candice: The initial phrase that pops into my head is Be gentle with yourself. And the second thing that always comes up whenever I have these negative self-talk spirals that don't lie is just I would never say that to a friend. Why am I saying it to myself?

And I think that's one thing that we often fall into whenever we don't do something quite the way we expected.

And so, I think that just being gentle, and understanding that different seasons call for different things, is key and so the phrase that I would say would be I'm being gentle with myself in this season.

[11:15] Valerie: Yep I’m nodding along like yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. And I love that you also said season, because this is something that I feel like we often forget about habits is that they do change and they do evolve.

And perhaps what our evening routine was before is going to evolve into something new now, and just thank you so much for sharing this today. I feel like this is going to be really helpful for everyone listening and just really taking it chunk by chunk day by day or night by night, I guess because we're talking about eating routines a little bit more simplifying and building on the habits once we started incorporating each of them and when it feels right for us. I think something that you mentioned earlier was about your intuition and kind of following that, and I know that I can make suggestions on the podcast or in workshops or on Instagram.

[12:46] Candice: but when we're really working together is when we can really figure out what works best for you. And that's where that kind of customization comes along. For some people it takes a week of having the timer and then we implement the next habit for another week and another week and then for some people it takes only a couple days for us to get into it or even more than seven days. So yeah, I love all of the things that you shared. I feel like it would be so helpful to a lot of people listening. So thank you so much for taking the time and sharing your experience with us. Thank you so much for having me. I think that your input on everything was so invaluable. The whole time to like sometimes you're just too deep in the forest to see I forget the exact phrase…

Valerie: You can’t see the forest through the trees? I’ll have to look that up!

Candice: Because there were a couple of times when I was like I'm struggling with this and I'm too deepened to focus on whatever, they couldn't see it. So having your input and being able to take a step back. We will wait what about this and just have your bird's eye view a little bit better and have your expertise come in and kind of point out things to help guide me along and it wasn't a few this is your next step. It was like Well, what about this so I have the I felt really empowered to make the next steps and everything with your gentle guidance. So thank you.

[13:47] Valerie: You're so very welcome! Thank you so much!

As I relistened to this episode, I was reminded of so many amazing things that Candice shared, and I really want to highlight a few of them because they are so important and so relatable. I know that myself and the clients that I worked with have felt this way and that's I wanted to highlight a few of the things that she said so one of the things was giving yourself grace, sometimes what we thought we wanted to work on wasn't actually the thing that we needed, so we have to readjust and we have to tweak and you know we have to make those mistakes and we have to hit those roadblocks so that we can understand we fully what really supports us.

And then the other thing she said was Be gentle with yourself. You wouldn't say it to a friend. Why are you saying it to yourself? Why the heck are we still speaking poorly about ourselves or to ourselves? There is no room for negative self-talk and this starts to make me feel really fired up because it is one of the most cutting and useless things that we do as women as humans as just people like why do we keep talking poorly about ourselves, we need to stop this mass. And that I thought was a really important reminder that I wanted to reiterate.

The other thing is that and again, this is something that Candice didn’t necessarily share in the conversation today but just like she is a rebel she also dives into a lot of personal development and understanding herself more and I wanted to share this because I thought it was a really important when you start to learn more about ourselves, and then we start to build those habits, those routines, those rituals, it actually becomes easier to implement these things because we have already identified or we already are connected to ourselves and our strengths and our weaknesses. And when we know these things early, it helps us prepare us for potential obstacles or hurdles. That we could come up against when we're in action. And the more you start to know about yourself either that's through the quiz that I shared today about the four tendencies, whether that's through astrology or human design or your Enneagram or your strengths finder, whatever it is that helps you learn more about you. You will start to notice that your success is not defined by someone else. It's only defined by you and your goals are going to be your goals and not someone else's. And then the feeling word that you want to connect to and the habits that you're creating. These will all start to make more sense and you'll be able to come into alignment with the things that really light you up and what the things that really bring you joy because they're for you and the person that you are here to be not the person that someone else thinks you should be.

I feel like when Candace talks about wanting to do it as an all or nothing, I don't necessarily believe that that is her personality to do things, all or nothing. I think that this has the potential of being a huge impact on what society has kind of told us to do. In this culture and in this type of climate we're getting things done now. And I feel like that's something that's really influenced Candace and her momentum and her movement and her actions.

So if you're feeling similar, I would love to chat more about this with you. I'd love to know what habits you're working on, what hurdles you're coming up against, or even just share how you like to get to know yourself. What are some of the practices you're into or what do you love to learn more about because I'm all about personal development, as you know.

And I know that Candice would love to hear your feedback to screenshot this episode, tag me on Instagram @vallavignelife, let us know that you're listening and share some of the insights and maybe some of the takeaways that you've learned from today or other episodes of the podcast. Thank you again for listening.

It is so important to hear other people's stories and experiences and I'm really glad that you and I have connected here together on this show. So I look forward to doing this again next week with a very special guest and I'm going to leave it as a surprise because you know how I love surprises.

Okay, have a great week, and we'll see you next time!

Podcast Host

Valerie LaVigne

Valerie is the creator and founder of Valerie LaVigne Life and the Women's Empowerment Show. She helps busy and empowered women create healthy habits so that they can become the best version of themselves and transform their lives. Learn more about Valerie here!