E93: What No One Tells You About Your Anger & Aggression

If you've been feeling angry lately, you are not alone? This podcast episode is all about leaning into your feelings of anger and aggression so that you can heal and move forward...

[00:23] Hello!!! Welcome back, I’m your host Valerie LaVigne recording this podcast episode from the beautiful and sunny southern ontario. Yes it does get very hot and sunny in a lot of parts of Canada and this summer has been particularly hot and steamy. And I’m not just talking about the scorching temperatures either!

It’s been weeks, months, and for many years of pain and anger surfacing. Through my meditation practice I’ve been noticing my own anger and aggression reach high boiling points. At times I’ve felt overwhelmingly impatient and frustrated with information and experiences over the last few months – some of what’s come up for me has been years of holding onto anger and pain. As someone who has spent a lot of time in personal development and personal observation, this has been a very interesting time of growth and exploration.

I’ve been feeling a lot of discomfort, a lot of hurt, a lot of holding on, and a lot of surrender as well.

There was a time where I thought being angry was a bad thing. I believed that I wasn’t allowed to feel angry and that those emotions had to be shut down immediately. I was taught to see the best in every situation, to look for something positive, to move past the pain.

[2:02] What I was inadvertently doing was suppressing my anger and frustration. And do you know what’s worse than feeling angry? It’s holding on to that anger. It’s letting those emotions fester inside and eat away at you slowly. Basically, it’s not healthy.

When I noticed my recent feelings of anger and aggression begin to surface I became more angry because I “didn’t want to deal” with these feelings at the time. But I knew pushing them away wouldn’t help, so instead I decided to lean in and feel my anger. To allow my aggression to come up and out.

The more I leaned in the angrier I got. My skin burned, my head throbbed, my jaw felt tight. There was so much resistance to fully meeting my emotions, but I just kept leaning in and hurting. I began massaging my temples, jaw and face firmly with my finger tips. My breathing changed and I was forcing hot air out of my nose and mouth. Deep sighs, big tears, it all came out. Sounds, sounds came out too. Cries and yells. I buried my face into a pillow and then hit it with my fists.

I did this until I exhausted myself. Letting out all the feels left me feeling tired and a bit numb. Almost like I had nothing else to cry. No more fight left in me. But as I lay there puffy eyed and tired, I felt a deep sense of healing. Like the release was a confirmation that my shadow self was being heard. Like my pain was finally being seen and met. Because I gave space for the anger, the grief, the hurt, the heaviness. I held myself in that space longer. Long enough to feel the deepest pains of all. The ones I had been suppressing.

[4:32] When we give space to our emotions, the good, the bad, and the ugly, we allow deep healing, we make room for our souls to grow and expand. The power of this journey through our emotions doesn’t come from seeing the silver lining, it comes by our self-connection, self-exploration.

Our spirituality doesn't mean always seeing the rainbows and stars, it’s about experiencing the storms so that the rainbow can appear. It’s about stepping into the darkness so that the stars can shine.

This shadow work and healing is ugly and it’s tough. Most people avoid the work. Don’t be like most people. And if you’re listening to this and currently going through your own work, know that it gets harder, and it gets easier. Be gentle with yourself. You are healing, and growing as humans do.

[5:55] Now we cannot always hold space for our anger as it appears in the exact moment. Sometimes the timing is inappropriate and we need to be in a safe environment so that we can lean in and heal vs. self destruct. Which is why I’d like to teach you a tool I’ve used for over a decade when I feel angry and aggressive.

When you start to experience the feelings, notice them and say outloud or to yourself: I feel angry, or however you’re feeling. Note that you are calling out how you feel, not what you are. You are not your emotions, you are not your anger. You feelthese emotions.

Then close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Visualize your emotions of anger and/or aggression as steam. Like in the cartoons, the steam comes out of the cartoons ears or nostrils. You can feel the steam doing the same if you like.

Now think about how we use steam in the everyday world. Where have you seen steam in your life?

It comes out of a hot kettle, it’s used to fuel machines like trains and ships.
Steam can be found in spas and home showers, off cookies freshly baked from the oven.
The steam from the cookies is information to our bodies that this food is too hot to eat. If we follow this information we can wait for the cookies to cool so we can eat them without burning our tongues. The steam from the kettle or cup of coffee or tea is the same. Information that tells us, don’t drink just yet.
Steam that fuels trains has been harnessed to make the engine move. To pull thousands of tons of weight across countries.
Steam in spas and showers are cleansing, relaxing, and detoxifying.

Now bring your awareness back to the vision of steam representing your anger. What information is this giving you? How can you use the steam and feelings to move forward? What do you need to cleanse or release?

[8:48] This visualization practice helps us do three things:

The first thing is, it helps us separate ourselves from our emotions. We are ourselves, the anger is the steam.

The second thing this practice helps us do is begin to release those emotions by seeing the steam move OUT of the nostrils and ears.

And finally, this visualization practice gets us to ask the necessary questions so that we can make helpful decisions to support our growth and healing. It helps us recognize our anger as something helpful rather than something hurtful. Remember, it’s only hurtful to us if we HOLD IT IN, or if we REACT to a situation without reading the information. We could burn ourselves by reacting to our anger, or burn someone else, or we could use that information to wait, and make a more emotionally intelligent decision or response.

Remember that this visualization practice is the beginning or introduction to much deeper work. Deep seeded anger does not come out so easily. Notice if your visualization practice shows you something else. Notice if the steam is a specific colour, or if it changes forms. Notice other parts of your physical body. Are you clenching your fists? Are you tightening your face or jaw? Is there pain in your abdomen or a closed feeling in your chest? Just like the steam from the hot tea, these other physical responses are information from your body. You can take a mental note of them and meditate on these areas for more information, or you can begin a journaling or movement practice to help move and shift the energy so that it can release also.

[10:50] It’s a process. Remember that. I’ll say it again, be gentle with yourself. Your soul is expanding. You are learning, you are growing. You are beautiful in all the stages of your life and growth.

Val Lavigne Life Women's Empowerment Podcast

Podcast Host

Valerie LaVigne

Valerie is the creator and founder of Valerie LaVigne Life and the Women's Empowerment Show. She helps busy and empowered women create healthy habits so that they can become the best version of themselves and transform their lives. Learn more about Valerie here!