E167: Ways to Love Yourself Deeply with Blaire Caplan

All. The. Feels. Blaire speaks so boldly about the importance, power, and practices surrounding self love. This is an episode I will be re-listening to again, and again!

[00:53] Valerie LaVigne: Welcome back to The Women's Empowerment Podcast. I am so excited to introduce you to our newest guest Blaire! Blaire, thank you so much for being on the show today like us.

Blaire Caplan: It is an honor to be here with you, my friend.

VL: I'm so excited because something that we're talking about today has to do a lot with habits and for those of you listening if you don't already know my name is Valerie and I am a healthy habit mentor and I often share the tangible practical, small, seemingly insignificant habits and action steps that we can do daily that really help us elevate and raise our vibrational frequency and make us better humans and bring us to you know, the version of ourselves that we really want to be. And one of the things that I find so powerful is the topic lies around the topic of self love. and so, Blaire and I are going to talk all about that today. So Blair, tell us a little bit about what self love means in your words.

[02:02] BC: Sure. Self love, means showing yourself the same amount of love and kindness and respect that you would show to someone outside of yourself. whether that be a partner or your best friend or family member you really care about. Self love means just giving that love to yourself.

VL: Why is this so hard for us to do?

BC: Because we're not taught. Nobody teaches us how to love ourselves in school. I haven't taught geometry and algebra and I know how to annotate my papers, but no one teaches me how to actually love myself and care about myself and give myself the grace that I deserve. We're not taught!

VL: We are not taught that and I'm so glad we're talking about this today because it seems like something so simple that we have heard over and over again and sometimes I feel like self love is a cliche term or self care. And yet, we're still not doing it as simple as it is. So let us know what are some of the things that we can do, some of the habits or rituals that we could do to cultivate this, this love for ourselves.

[03:19] BC: Knowing that you are big on habits, I do want to share a little bit about my morning ritual which has increased my love of self exponentially. There's this man named Hal Elrod and he has a book called the Miracle Morning Routine. And I actually just passed 700 consecutive days of doing this routine.

VL: That’s so cool! Congratulations!

BC: So every morning I've never done anything for that long and it's amazing and it has just changed every aspect of my life. And so every morning I meditate. I worked my way up to a full hour. I move back down to 30 minutes of meditation. I also love different Affirmations, Visualization, exercise, reading and writing. And one of the things I do for writing I actually have my notebook right here. Every single morning I write down I love myself three times and I say it out loud as I write it, and when I first started that practice, it felt like yes, we can just be honest about that because when I started this routine, I really didn't love myself. If I'm being honest, I really didn't like myself. But I knew that if I did not change something, I probably wouldn't be here for too much longer. So when I first started this, I didn't believe those words and I had to quite literally train my brain to learn how to love myself through that repetitive process of writing it down saying it out loud looking in the mirror as uncomfortable as that is saying it to that version of myself that's in the mirror. and that is just changed everything in my life.

[05:04] VL: Wow, that's really powerful. I appreciate you being so open and sharing that because I feel like a lot of people listening can relate to what you're saying. I mean, I can. There was definitely a time where I struggled with the same feelings and a lot of the work quote unquote that that we practice really, really asks us to get uncomfortable and get out of those comfort zones and some of them are so silly.

One of the things that I started doing that's kind of similar reminded me when you said look at yourself in the mirror and say these things as every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I'd wink at myself and kind of do like a ‘How you doing!?’ kind of thing, right? And whereas because I was noticing that every time I was looking at myself in the mirror, I look at something I didn't like and I would kind of scoff or scowl and myself and that's really sad to admit like I I feel a little bit emotional during that because that was a really sad time. For that was a really sad part of myself. And doing that one little practice and doing that Wink it started to shift things very quickly, actually. And in that short amount of time I recognize that not only was I looking at myself in the mirror and making it an ugly face that myself but what I was also doing is I was saying things to myself that I would never ever say to anyone else And I would never wish that upon anyone else and they just kept thinking like I wouldn't say that to my best friends, then why am I saying to myself, and when we ask when we ask ourselves those really tough questions We get some pretty, pretty deep answers.

And yeah, it's just the beginning. It's just the beginning of a really deep connection. So share with us when you started this practice. What changed for you what the shifts look like in the transformation for you?

[07:14] BC: The shift started happening probably two or three months after I started doing this every day. And there I remember I was driving down Route 32 And it was just so quiet. And I like I just I pause like I mean I was still actively driving but I just took them on. I was like wow, like there's no mean voice in my head right now. Like no one's telling me that I'm not good enough or that I'm too fat or I'm not pretty like where did that voice go? And I think that was when I really started to realize like wow, there's actually something to this. So that was that was the main shift was the way that I would approach myself and the way that I would speak to myself like you said, like we say things to ourselves when we're in that low vibrational state we just say some of the meanest things to ourselves that we would never say to anyone else. And I saw that, you know, after those two or three months, That voice just started to get a little nicer and a little nicer until finally I was like Oh wow, like I'm actually a pretty decent human being I actually do quite a lot myself.

[08:26] VL:

Yeah, and I love what you're saying not because in the beginning, you mentioned you know, you didn't feel that way. So what I'm wondering is as a Certified Life designer, as a mindset coach when you're working with your clients, and they're saying, but I don't believe that about myself, but that's not true. How can I lie to my like, quote unquote, again, error codes, how can I lie to myself and write that down and say that what do you say to that?

BC: We switch it up a little bit and if we're talking about that specific concept, that specific sentence of I love myself, And if a client or even a friend says, oh, that sounds kind of weird. I don't believe that. I don't want to write that down. I say okay, well, what about I am open to the idea of loving myself. Maybe that feels a little bit lighter.

VL: I like that. Yeah. Just shifting it to something that resonates a little bit more give any other examples?

BC: Yes, yes. I find that when we get into reactive mode, there's just this little switch in order to get us back into response and are in creative mode. And something that I like to do and something that I was taught actually is to meet those voices or meet that mindset with the question to meet it with curiosity. So instead of I love myself, or I'm open to the idea of loving myself, what if we met that with curiosity instead, and we asked ourselves, would it be nice if I love myself?

Wouldn't it be nice if I was a little kinder to myself? Wouldn't it be nice if I let life get a little easier? And so when we meet those push backs of self love, self worth competence, whatever it is, if we can meet those with just genuine curiosity, that lightness comes back into play?

[10:25] VL: For sure, asking questions is getting curious. it's all really part of that internal awareness and that mindfulness of self because I bet you, somebody listening, is thinking, oh, I don't do that. And now that we've started to have this conversation about it, We are now going to start to see where this comes up when these thoughts come up. How are you saying it?

Yeah, because it happens whether we like it or not. I'm raising my hand. I have been there I've said and thought some harsh things to myself and that shift really does make a difference.

With my own self, what I recognized was, I would catch myself in the moment and I've asked myself, would I say this to my best friend? And if the answer was no, Then I said, well, then there's no room for it for myself either. And that's when I started to just stop the thought. versus trying to switch up to something else.

The other thing that really worked for me when it came to this life lesson was actually when I bought a one way ticket to Guatemala and I just started to solo travel. And what I realized on that trip was that I was by myself so if I got lost, I couldn't blame anybody else. I had to learn a language that I didn't know before arriving, and that was a really cool thing. All these different experiences that I went through or getting out of my comfort zone really started to become evidence and proof for me that hey, actually, I am a pretty amazing person. I learned a language. I figured out how to cross a country or two countries or three countries by myself in a country that I've never been to before. Or you know, I took responsibility for when I got lost and I figured out how to get back and all of these different experiences really built up that self love muscle if you want to call it. I'm also a Pilates teacher. So I work really well with those kinds of things. analogies like muscle building, and training. So yeah, I think it's so important. Now I have a question that's coming up. So let's say we're getting curious. We're writing it down writing I love you down. We're saying I love you in the new year and are starting to feel a little bit more but then something happens shame creeps in. creeps in guilt creeps in when we make a mistake. We start feeling horrible about it. We start questioning whether or not that I love myself statement is true. What do we do? What do we do?

[13:09] BC: We do our best to extend ourselves the grace that we would extend the friend that message And something that I find myself repeating to myself and to my clients is I did the best I could and I did the best that I could with the information I had at the time that I had it And my best is always more than enough.

VL: Feel like you need to make an affirmation card deck of all this amazing wisdom that you're sharing today.

BC: It is on my future projects list for 2022

VL: Okay, yes it is. I'm just sitting here like I could just pull a card every day with something that you're saying.

BC: Feels so good.

VL: And just write that affirmation down. Do you have that confirmation? Yeah. Oh my gosh, don't you love when that synchronicity kind of aligns. And yes, just a little confirmation for you that your wisdom is appreciated.

What was I going to say now? Oh, yeah. So let's say we're doing the work and we're starting to understand okay, you know, it's not everyday that I feel wholly in love with myself. However, I am learning and I'm growing and this is part of the transformation.

I know you shared for yourself how long it took you to recognize that transformation or that shift. How long do you think it would take for other people or what can people expect when they're doing this practice for themselves?

BC: That is a very difficult question for me to answer and so I think I'm going to end up giving you a non answer answer.

Unfortunately, fortunately, it is not my job to police someone else's healing journey. We all move in divine timing and divine timing is never really good.

So for me, two or three months to see that shift for you, he said a new solid relatively quickly. For other people, they may try to practice for six months and still not feel any different. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with that person. That just means we need to try something else. So I don't know exactly how to answer that. but what I do know is, the more willing you are to do the work And the more consistent you are with those small steps, the quicker you'll see the results you want.

[15:32] VL: I think that's a perfect answer. I think that's exactly even though we might not want to hear it because you know, we're all looking for a quick fix. I think it's very true. And being honest with that is where people are going to see the most transformation and results because they're sticking to it. Getting curious. So let's say we have been doing this practice for a really long time and the journal or the mirror work just isn't really for us. what are some other ways that we can practice self love?

[16:08] BC: I find both in my personal experience and with working with clients that a lot of those feelings of lack of self love and lack of self worth stemmed from childhood, whether it was being bullied as a kid or not having parents that affirmed your worth or you know whatever the circumstances were I find that a lot of that lack of self love starts from an early age and we're just not necessarily aware of it until we become adults. And I say all of that to say a practice that I really enjoy encouraging people to do is to write a letter to your younger self. Whether that be you at five years old when you're 1216 1821 like younger self is relative. But I find that writing a letter to our younger selves is one of the most impactful practices I've come across where we can be completely raw and unfiltered and we can share resentments. We can share grief, we can share forgiveness, we can share happiness, we can share whatever we need to share to that version of ourselves that first and feel that love and by healing that inner child are starting to heal that inner child because feeling is not a quick fix. Healing is a lifelong for whom we can start to tap into that inner child and start to heal those inner child wounds. As an adult we reap those benefits.

[17:35] VL: So glad you said this is a live in powerful exercise and work similar to this before. And what I think is so cool is that if you're in the space where you're actually taking the time and kind of making this more of a ritual of okay, I'm imagining my victory them as I write this letter to them what's really cool is you can actually feel the energetic shift within you in that moment. It's like this. What's that movie with Matthew McConaughey where it's like they talked about the dimensions. Interstellar. It's lightning. Yeah, it's like this. It's like this moment in time, that is the past the present and the future all in one. And it's like, you change your cells change in that moment. I mean, I know this sounds a little bit woowoo. And there was true.

There's this energetic shift, and I remember doing this practice and it was it was really simple. It was more of a meditation, but I could feel my gravitas change, I could feel how I sat up taller and I felt lighter in my body because I told my think I was six years old in my meditation, but I told my six year old self that I was enough. And I was such a cool, cool practice. And I always think about like, oh, the things I would tell younger Valerie when I look at pictures of myself and I'm like, Oh my God.

BC: But you can still tell that younger version of yourself now because they still live within you.

VL: this is so incredible. I think this is so yeah, just really helpful for people to hear and if someone hasn't done a practice like this before, it's such a beautiful ritual. So do you have any tips for when we're writing a letter to ourselves about what we can include, or maybe some of the things we can follow along with?

[22:47] BC: Yeah. Not necessarily to include in the letter, but I may lovingly encourage or even lovingly challenge you to keep an open heart and an open mind. Give yourself permission to feel and give yourself permission to cry and scream and hit a pillow and go for a walk halfway through.

The biggest tip I can give you is to accept yourself where you are as you write this depending on who you are, depending on your childhood and on your past experiences. That letter could include forgiveness.

That's what it was for me. I'm sorry, I didn't give you the love you deserve. I'm sorry that I bullied you just as much as the kids at school did.

For other people. It may be a letter of gratitude again from you so well. Thank you for sticking with me even when I tried to beat you down everywhere I could thank you for being who I needed and going through what you needed to go through. So I could see why I needed to be in there as well.

Maybe it is just the completely raw, unfiltered cuss word filled letter of reason.

It depends and whatever you write is perfect.

It's perfect exactly how it is because it'll be exactly what it needs to be for you as an individual.

VL: I've even written a letter to my future self that I actually opened 10 years after, like I wrote it when I was 20 and I opened it on my 30th birthday. And it was the most incredible birthday present ever gotten and given to myself.

And I actually after reading it a couple days later, I wrote a letter back to myself, my 20 itself. And I thought that was such a beautiful process.

And this last decade has been I mean, I'm sure anyone can can say this the last 10 years of her life has been maybe nothing what they thought it was going to be or everything they thought I was going to be in more and to be able to like I wrote it in purple gel pen.

It was so cool. I was like this is the most surreal thing I've ever experienced. And then being able to write back which I never planned on doing but just intuitively was like my 20 year old self and this two year from my third year old self and so now I want to do it again for my 40th birthday. But I would even say even sooner than that. I don't wait to open it in 10 years even though that was very cool.

So yeah, this exercise is so is so powerful and whatever comes out and whatever kind of flows out of us is just what you said exactly what we need exactly what we need to release or share or hear or our end of our back. And then what do we do about a letter after we've written it depends on the intention behind creating the letter in the first place.

BC: I get a little woowoo I'm here for all the witchy stuff. So for me i i quite literally have like a little cauldron and I do fire ceremony. If you feel called to release that energy release those emotions release that message in that way you can quite literally burn it. I highly suggest you do that in a safe place probably outdoors so you don't burn anything down. But there is a real sense of release and doing a fire ceremony so you could burn the letter after you write it. You can keep it in your notebook and carry it with you and read it as often as you want.

You can do a water ceremony you can go for a walk in nature and find the little creek and you can you know send that letter on its way so again without policing anyone's individual healing journey. I think that depending on the intention behind the letter in the first place, there are many different ways to either carry it with you as an item of strength or release it back out into the universe.

VL: I love that. I love the witchy stuff. I bury my letters. I rip them up. I bury them I burn them. Yeah, all of the things that's so cool. I've never really put it in a walk in the water but there are lots of ponds near where I live.

This conversation has been amazing and I am very excited to incorporate a lot of what you share today in my own practices. Thank you, thank you so much is there before we get into the last part of the show, which I'm very excited to share with you. Is there something that hasn't been said today that you would love to share?

[24:36] BC: To anybody that is listening, I want you to know there's someone out here at that loves you no matter what.

Genuinely unconditionally regardless of your past, regardless of your future. I love you simply because you are born worthy of being loved.

And that comes back to self love as much as I love you. I cannot love you more than you love yourself.

You are born worthy of your own love. And you deserve to do this for yourself.

VL: Okay, well, that's probably going to be the quote for the episode that I - you’re going to make me cry.

And I hope everyone hits the back button on the podcast to re listen to that on repeat. So thank you so much for that. Like Thank you. I feel like we should end here but we can't because we need to know. Now we need to know where can we find you? Where can we follow you? How can we support your business?

BC: Sure, yeah. Well, the best way you can support your business because I teach people how to love themselves is to say yes to learning how to love yourself. That's the best way you can support me by supporting yourself.

INSTAGRAM | @lonewolfe

WEBSITE | https://www.lonewolfdistrict.com/

[26:26] RAPID FIRE ROUND

1. What are you currently reading? OR Favourite book?

The Energy of Money

The Audacity to be Queen

2. What does “empowerment” mean to you?

Knowing that you’re the baddest bitch in the club no matter what. No matter what.

3. What is your longest standing habit?

That morning ritual 700 days I think 707.

4. What are you currently working toward?

I am currently working towards breaking ground for the Scott Eric Kaplan City of Angels. Right now. lone wolf district is a virtual home base but the long term goal is to have a physical home base for the lone wolves, the people in this world that feel like they don't belong or like they don't fit in or like they haven't had a home before.

That is that as the ultimate goal is to create a literal district of normals to be celebrated for their uniqueness and for their differences but still have a safe place to come home to.

Podcast Host

Valerie LaVigne

Valerie is the creator and founder of Valerie LaVigne Life and the Women's Empowerment Show. She helps busy and empowered women create healthy habits so that they can become the best version of themselves and transform their lives. Learn more about Valerie here!